There have been many times this year where I’ve had to stop myself from mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, close social media apps and put my phone away, because I could tell I was edging dangerously close to a pit of comparison and self-doubt.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all looked at other people’s apparent successes and felt genuinely happy for them, while simultaneously feeling that oh-so-familiar pang of “when will it be my turn?” We’ve all wondered what they’re doing right, what they could possibly know that we don’t, which people they’ve been lucky to meet… and why, however hard we try, we can’t seem to be doing as well as they are.

I’m not quite sure what happened along the way, but recently I’ve been noticing that the things that used to bring up feelings of comparison and inadequacy now trigger a gut reaction along the lines of “that’s great for them, but… I honestly wouldn’t want this for myself.”

I don’t want to be so booked out that I’m either out of the house every day, or stuck indoors staring at a screen for hours on end. I don’t want to say that I’m “busy” and wear it like a badge of honour. I know I need time and space to daydream, and read, and educate myself, because my creative brain lights up the most when it’s free to wander and when it's learning new things, and I'm not much use to my clients if I'm stumped for ideas.

I don’t want to take myself too seriously or be too intense, and I don’t want for people to think that I’ve got all my shit together - because honestly, I don’t.

I don’t want to have a process or a workflow that is so rigid that it doesn’t leave any room for the messy reality of working with unique, beautifully imperfect humans, each with their own dreams and goals and stories.

I don’t want to post on Instagram every day, and strategise every little thing in my business, and follow the rules that everyone else seems to be applying.

Don’t get me wrong, I still get pangs of “I wish I could do that/have that/be like that” every now and again. But here’s what I wanted to tell you today: even when we’re comparing ourselves to others, I don’t think it’s ever truly because we want to be exactly like them, and I’m sure there’s tons of aspects of their successes and their lives that we wouldn’t truly want for ourselves.

None of this tells me exactly what I should be doing, or what running my business can look like for myself as soon as I stop looking at it through the lens of “well this is what they’re doing, so it must be right”… but there’s strength in knowing what you don’t want, because it allows you to get rid of all the clutter, all the shoulds and the musts, and start seeing the outline of what you really do want more clearly.

There’s freedom in acknowledging that someone else’s success doesn’t mean that you’re failing, or found lacking some way or another, or doing something wrong.

There’s beauty in not knowing, in being afraid, in being unsure… yet still moving forward, staying in your own lane and trusting your step.

If you knew there was no risk of failure, no risk of being judged or shamed, no risk of negative outcome… what risks would you take? What would you do? Who would you want to be?

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